We’ve run down the Music of the Yr nominees, the Single of the Yr nominees, in addition to the Album of the Yr nominees for 2024. Now it’s time to provide the WORST choices in “nation” music their honest due. And no, we’re not holding again our emotions in any respect. We’re rearing again and letting ’em have it.
WARNING: This train isn’t for the faint of coronary heart. However don’t neglect, we’re simply having enjoyable on the expense of very unhealthy songs.
Brian Kelley – “Kiss My Boots”
Florida Georgia Line’s Brian Kelley needs to be glad he’s not cleansing bidets at Mar-a-Lago for a residing. He held on to the nut sack of Tyler Hubbard to stardom, standing there making tens of millions as his totally disposable concord vocals had been run by way of an Auto-Tuner earlier than being buried imperceptibly within the combine. Brian Kelley was a prop so the outfit may qualify for “Duo of the Yr” trophies and since Tyler Hubbard seemed like he was nonetheless consuming glue within the eighth grade.
Brian Kelley’s “Kiss My Boots” is seemingly a ship off to his former bandmate. Gone are they days when these two had been rubbing their taints collectively, and writing horrible tractor rap songs with seven different assholes that may get caught on the high of the nation charts for 17 weeks. These dudes are the rationale folks now suppose it’s okay to name Beyonce “nation.”
Kiss his boots? As an alternative, Brian Kelley sticks his foot in his mouth. He’s imagined to be calling out Tyler Hubbard, however as a substitute Kelley enacts a spectacular self-own from how shitty this track is. Don’t get me incorrect, I do discover a bit of sadistic pleasure in Beavis and Butt-Head bloodying one another up in a public method. It’s not like Tyler Hubbard is price defending. However this canine don’t hunt. It takes a giant dump on the kitchen ground, and lays there licking its privates whereas it’s a must to clear it up. (learn full rant)
Alli Walker – “Nashville”
Do they make rape kits for ears? As a result of in the event that they do, kindly swab the deep abrasions inflicted by the violent and undesirable trespasses upon the interior tympanic canal by this audio abomination to confirm the culprits, after which deploy any and all sources to apprehend and prosecute the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the regulation. The general public broadcast of this track ought to represent crimes in opposition to humanity below the articles of the Geneva Conventions. The Gaza Strip is a extra hospitable place at this second than being anyplace inside a single decibel’s vary of this “track.”
“Nashville” is the bottom type of pandering to the stereotypical Decrease Broadway vacationer lured into the leisure hall by flashing lights, bottomless nachos, and the offhand likelihood of a Morgan Wallen sighting. And it’s all co-written by the King of Nashville Grift, Mr. Applebee’s himself, Walker Hayes.
I assumed we had been imagined to look past the doltish lyricism of Walker Hayes songs to acknowledge his robust Christian values and dedication to his household. In the meantime, right here he’s co-signing his title to a track that has girls smacking their asses, grabbing their “goodie goodies” (tits), and drops a straight-up f-bomb in the midst of the track, and proper earlier than title dropping the sainted Dolly Parton no much less. (learn full rant)
Jelly Roll and MGK – “Lonely Street”
Thank God John Denver is useless so he’s spared from having to expertise this monstrosity constructed from his iconic ode to West Virginia. For the remainder of us poor souls, we’re topic to getting assaulted by this whereas innocently strolling by way of a grocery store like a 2nd shifter on the New York subway. This factor churns the abdomen more durable than the chopped onions of a McDonald’s quarter pounder. MGK can eat no fats, and Jelly Roll can eat no lean. These two items of human refuse are Instance #1 and #1A of failing upwards in America.
Is there even one among these assholes who can really compose an authentic track anymore, or is all of it simply all a perpetual ripoff? Jelly Roll helped crown the 2023 model of this Worst Songs record by bastardizing Dobie Grey’s “Drift Away” with Dustin Lynch.
Each time you see Jelly Roll, this quote involves thoughts:
“Villains who twirl their mustaches are simple to identify. Those that dress themselves in good deeds are nicely camouflaged.” –Jean-Luc Picard
Sam Hunt – “Locked Up”
What within the mothertrucker is that this, Sam Hunt? You suppose you’ve obtained the mustard to fill the footwear of Johnny “caught on the Mexican border with 1,100 tablets” Money? If The Man in Black had been right here right this moment, he’d put his measurement 13 Crimson Wing straight up your keister and break it off for this abomination.
Sam Hunt thought he would attempt to exploit his arrest for drunk driving now 5 years in the past by way of a track. Then so as to add the mom of all insults to damage, for the video for the brand new track, Sam Hunt casts himself within the function of Johnny Money from the long-lasting San Quentin jail efficiency from 1969. What hubris.
If Sam Hunt really confirmed as much as a jail to carry out this track, a riot would ensue and he’d get shanked within the neck with a sharpened toothbrush deal with. In addition to, subjecting prisoners to Sam Hunt’s music would most definitely be dominated as a type of merciless and strange punishment and stayed by the Supreme Court docket. Most would moderately get raped in a mop closet by a jail gang or face deadly injection versus being forcibly positioned in a Sam Hunt viewers. (learn full rant)
Walker Hayes – The Zach Bryan “Diss Monitor”
Maybe there’s by no means been a person inhabiting the Earth that has felt extra secure and joyful within the enveloping arms of company America whereas suckling off the business teat of excessive fructose corn syrup than Walker Hayes. This f–ker has purposely allowed himself to grow to be synonymous with Applebee’s, a.ok.a. the Destroyer of Worlds relating to regionally owned eateries. Overlook having no disgrace. Walker Hayes actively leans into being a company shill.
After Tyler Childers had his first ever look within the nation radio High 50, Zach Bryan tweeted, “‘First ever’ is fuckn insane, top-of-the-line songwriters to ever do it.” After which later, “Think about being radio (whoever the hell that’s), listening to Shake the Frost and being like ‘no no let’s go along with the Applebees track’.”
In response, Walker Hays recorded a supposed “diss observe.” If nothing else, you’ve obtained to provide Walker Hayes credit score for being on model. Some music shops had been fast to characterize the track as a “scratch observe” to an upcoming track. No, that is the form of shit Walker Hayes releases as precise music—slapdashed lyricism over essentially the most simplistic electronically-generated MIDI beats.
When Dave Portnoy destroys you within the diss observe sport, you realize you’re unhealthy. (learn full rant)
Kane Brown and Marshmello – “Miles On It”
Maybe it’s applicable that at Halloween time in 2024, and the performer with the #1 track on nation radio was a buffoonish, goofy-headed cartoonist-like doofus that’s an unequivocal embarrassment to the nation music style.
…and even worse, Kane Brown paired up with a dude with a marshmallow on his head to file it.
After a 30-second style, I decided I’d moderately ingest an Almond Pleasure laced with a razor blade, or put out a flaming bag of poo on my entrance porch in a model new pair of $1,800 Lucchese boots than be subjected to a nanosecond extra of this monstrous abomination oozing out of the hind quarters of the Music Row sausage manufacturing unit like a depraved shit, solely to be animated just like Frankenstein to terrorize unsuspecting nation music followers on the general public airwaves.
Marty Stuart, David Allan Coe, and Alison Krauss by no means had a #1 track in nation, however now this marshmallow asshole does. Nation music has come a great distance within the final couple of years. However apparently it’s nonetheless succesful to serving up this type of vapid, meaningless dribble, and taking all of it the way in which to #1. (learn full rant)
